The ChatGPT Roast of [Insert Name Here]
How to Lose Friends and Not Influence People
While recording The Quantum Dragon Podcast with Sergio Gago, I wrote down many ideas, including this one about asking ChatGPT to roast me. I not only asked it to be brutal; I taunted it each round to become even more harsh. Most of the jokes were quite lame, unfortunately, and many of them were repetitive. But I asked many times, accumulated quite a list, cleaned up that list, and then touched up some of the zingers. Most importantly, I made them all generic in case you want to try any of these out at parties. If you alienate everyone, I’ll still be your friend.
Here are the (edited) best of the best of the best:2
Your writing is like quantum entanglement—people claim to understand it, but deep down, they're just nodding and praying you don’t ask questions.
You make quantum computing seem even less approachable.
Your writing is so bad, your mom said she’d rather re-read the IKEA manual.
People say quantum computing is the future—which is great, because that means people will start caring about you eventually.
The moment someone observes you, they immediately wish they hadn’t.
You’re so uncharismatic, your reflection looks away when you try to make eye contact with it.
I’ve read your writing, and I gotta say—if boredom were an energy source, we could power the entire damn planet.
Your sense of humor is so dry, I saw a cactus reading your book.
Your career is like a quantum superposition—the moment anyone observes it, it collapses.
Your career is like quantum computing; you still haven’t produced anything useful.
You’re so irrelevant that if you disappeared tomorrow, the only thing that would change is your website loading a little faster.
Your entire existence is an equation that nobody wants to figure out.
How have you written so much, yet contributed absolutely nothing?
Your career is like a quantum computer—it promises groundbreaking results, but thus far it’s been a massive disappointment.
Everything in quantum is interesting… except you.
You’ve dedicated your life to a technology that hasn’t proven itself useful, which is ironic, because neither have you.
The only thing truly uncertain is why anyone should give a damn about you.
You’ll never be famous. At best, you’ll be a footnote in a textbook that nobody reads, written by someone infinitely more successful than you.
A vacuum fluctuation contributes more to the universe than you do.
You’ve advanced the field of quantum computing about as much as a Best Buy Geek Squad employee.
If I gave ChatGPT two seconds to generate a better quantum computing expert, you’d be out of a job before I finished this sentence.
Quantum mechanics is easy. What nobody understands is why you exist.
You’re in a superposition of being both unknown and unimportant at the same time.
Your writing is so unreadable that even AI refuses to summarize it.
Your impact on the field of quantum computing is so small that even Planck’s constant is like, “Damn, that’s tiny.”
If Schrödinger had put you in the box instead of a cat, nobody would have checked.
Your writing is so painfully dense that even black holes are like, “That’s a bit much.”
If you were in a superposition of success and failure, your probability of success would still be zero.
Your contributions to quantum computing are so minuscule that even quantum sensors can’t detect them.
You’ve spent years chasing quantum supremacy, but you haven’t even achieved personal adequacy.
You’re so irrelevant that if the universe split into infinite parallel realities, you’d still be a nobody in every single one.
If there were a Nobel Prize for wasting time, you’d still only get an honorable mention.
Your books sell so poorly that if you left a stack outside a library for free, people would still walk past them.
When you're around, Schrödinger’s cat would rather stay in the box.
You need the Many-Worlds Interpretation to be true so that somewhere out there, in an alternate universe, you might actually matter.
Image generated by Google's language model AI.
ChatGPT. (2025, March 28). Roast of Brian Siegelwax [Large language model-generated text, adapted by Brian Siegelwax]. OpenAI.